Capital Furs

*ring ring*
Van: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello, sir. You've just won $2 500 travel dollars toward a trip to hawaii.
Van: And if i refuse?
Telemarketer: What?
Van: What happens if i refuse the money?
Telemarketer: ....
Van: Oh, i see. So it's the quiet game, well two can play at that.
Telemarketer: ....
Van: ....
-30 seconds later-
*click*
Van: I win.

*ring ring*
Van: Hello?
*****: Hey is kasey there?
Van: *Sigh*
*****: What?
Van: I'm sorry, but i have some bad news...
*****: WHAT IS IT?
Van: I'm afraid theres been an accident, i don't know how to tell you this...
*****: OH God No! Whats happend!
Van: It's hard, i don't think i...
*****: What do you mean, SPIT IT OUT!
Van: I told them not to do it. But it was like talking to a stone, they just wouldn't listen to me
*****: THEY?! Is jerry with them?
Van: Yes, he was, but thats not all. They went out, it was dark you know... jerry was drunk, and it just happend.
*****: What happend!
Van: Jerry said he'd give her a ride home, it was honest enough, he seemed fine, i just i just, he probably wasn't so drunk yet. But there was a... a crash. It happend just on the highway outside the house, i am so sorry. I never should have let them leave with his car, the lights weren't fixed yet.
*****: Oh god
Van: The officer said the trucker saw them at last second, they were in the wrong lain, it was instant... Painless.
*****: No, no..... no.
Van: Listen, i know this is hard to hear, but....
*****: *sob* yes?
Van: This whole thing could have been avoided if i'd actually called the right fucking phone number. *Click*

*ring ring*
Van: Hello?
*****: Hello, may i speak with jess please?
Van: Hmmmm, i don't know. How do i know i can trust you?
*****: What are you on? Is she there or not?
Van: Maybe, and maybe i don't know who your talking about.
*****: listen prick, just give her the phone.
Van: Whats the password?
*****: Give her the fucking phone.
Van: Wrong. Your on thin ice buddy, you've got one more chance to remember the right password or i'm hanging up.
*****: Lemon?
Van: Okay, you check out. Heres Jess.
Van (Jess): Hello?
*****: Jess? Who the fuck was that?
Van (Jess): Who was what?
*****: Nevermind, are you still comming to the fair with us or not?
Van (Jess): I don't know....
*****: Come on, why not...?
Van: Whats the password?
*Click*

*dialing*
*****:Hello?
Van: Hi
*****: Whos this?
Van: Oh, i think you know who this is, don't you?
*****: Charlie?
Van: Yep, you've got it right.
*****:..... So what do you want?
Van: What?
*****: Whats up? Why'd you call?
Van: I'll give you one guess as to why i called, and just one. But.... if you get it right i promise not to lie about it.
*****: Your calling about Mindy right?
Van: Correct!
*****: Well what are you calling me for you've got her number don't you? Your her boyfriend.
Van: ....You see, this is the thing. I called you because i'm breaking up with her, and i want you to tell her for me.
*****: WHAT?! WHY?
Van: Well you see i'm a very sensitive guy, and i just don't-
*****: No, why are you breaking up with mindy?
Van: Oh that....
*****: I'm waiting...
Van: She didn't put the seat back up, and its just killing me.
*****: .... are you serious?
Van: As a heart attack.
*****: What are you smoking man! Your dumping her because she didn't put the seat up?! How demented are you, and you want me to tell her for you.
Van: We talked about this mindy and i, and it may sound a bit weird but we agreed that she would always put the seat up for me once she was finished with it down.
*****: Your fucking with me. Now i know your high.
Van: Look, it's MY house, and you know what. I'm sick of putting the seat down of women, putting it up for men makes the same amount of sense, and she knew this, she knew it and she did it on purpose anyways.
*****: Look you idiot-
Van: No you look sister! It was disrespectful towards me! How am i supposed to trust mindy with a relationship when she doesn't even care enough to do this one thing for me? Tell me
*****: Look theres more to this than a toilet seat.
Van: Is there? Is there more to this than my toilet seat?
*****: This is stupid.
Van: This is a prank call.
*Click*

i'm 12 years old and what is this?

Lol Van, you're so creative on the phone <3

I find you pompous, judgemental and completely self absorbed...

Will you be my friend?

*dialing*
*****: Hello?
Van: Hey.
*****: Who's this?
Van: Oh, uh my name's Johnny tuggonslong. I'm calling about the for sale sign posted on the tree outside your house, is this the right number?
*****: It certainly is, what would you like to know? Are you interested in buying it.
Van: Well this is the thing sir, i don't know much about the errr, field i guess and so i don't really know what i should be looking for, you feel me?
*****: 100% man, it's a complex game, i know. But i can just give you some highlights if thats what you'd like?
Van: Sure, nothing better man. Just tell me what the old wood's got thats worth tellin.
*****: Well, it's a three bedroom deal so if your living by yourself it's alot of room, very spacious.
Van: Go on.
*****: Hmmm, i think we've got some pretty nice bathrooms, 2, one upstairs and one in the basement.
Van: A Basement?! No way, tell so more about that!
*****: Oh yeah, it's great. We've got the living room down there and it's got enough room for an air hockey table too.
Van: Thats it, i'm sold. This sounds fantastic, i'd never had expected so much!
*****: Alright so you're willing to make an offer? How about we contact our realters, and start somewhere around 200 000?
Van:.....
*****: Is something wrong?
Van: Seems a little much for a tree don't you think?
*****: What?
Van: I said "It seems like alot to pay for a tree don't you think?"
*****: Did you say tree?
Van: Yes. I'm calling about the for sale sign on your tree. I'd like to buy your tree.
*Click*

I was sitting on the fence
And I thought that I would kiss you
I never thought I would've missed you

But you never let me fall
Push my back against the wall
Every time you call
You get so emotional
Oh, I'm freakin' out

Ring ring
Is that you on the phone?
You think you're clever
But you're never saying nothing at all

Hey hey
The way you spin me around
You make me dizzy when you play me
Like a kid with a crown

You got a dangerous obsession
Now I'm in need of some protection
That was never my intention

Used to love me
Now you hate me
See I drove you crazy
Well if I did
You made me
Won't somebody save me?
From you now

Ring ring
Is that you on the phone?
You think you're clever
But you're never saying nothing at all

Hey hey
The way you spin me around
You make me dizzy when you play me
Like a kid with a crown

Its words I wanted
Until you lost it

Why won't you leave me alone?
Hang up the phone
Just let me go

Ring ring
Is that you on the phone?
You think you're clever
But you're never saying nothing at all

Hey hey
The way you spin me around
You make me dizzy when you play me
Like a kid with a crown

Ring ring
Is that you on the phone?
You think you're clever
But you're never saying nothing at all

Hey hey
The way you spin me around
You make me dizzy when you play me
Like a kid with a crown

Ring ring
Ring ring
Ring ring

Really, Indy?

Mika?

...Really?